I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell - August 19, 2008

So, this entry was apparently very popular with people. I had more email about that than anything I have written. Fuck all of you ungrateful assholes.

Seriously though, the verbal sarcasm and bitterness battle did not stop on that last post, it carried into the comments thread, where Real SlingBlade and Fake SlingBlade squared off for round two. I am pulling it out and reprinting it here:

Real SlingBlade:

Tucker said: "Don't believe SlingBlade's bullshit about how this isn't the "real" him."

I love when Tucker tries to describe how other people think or feel. Tucker is a narcissist and a sociopath. By definition he is incapable of understanding human emotion or feeling empathy. Does anyone ask John Wayne Gacy to describe how someone feels?

Therapist - "So John Wayne, what is that guy thinking"

John Wayne Gacy - "Him thinks that it would be nice to be eating a bunny and then be using feces to paint."

Ummm, no John Wayne. That, in fact, is not what he is thinking. Thank you though.

Sociopaths turn into serial killers due to childhood trauma, and luckily Tucker only had a divorce to deal with instead of a "special Uncle" so we get 'misogynist likes to bang malformed girls Tucker' instead of 'cross-country prostitute killing spree Tucker.' How lucky for our nations prostitutes.

Back to talking about me: I am only good at making sarcastic comments. If you give me something to talk about I can go on for days, but when I have to come up with a topic it takes a while. So I have to stare at a screen for a while until I come up with a theme I can use as a framework to tell jokes around and then I bang away at the keyboard like some kind of retarded stenographer before pushing the computer away. No real editing. If I were, and I hate the use this term to describe Tucker, a professional, then I would go back and edit. For example rereading the above I would add (and this is a true story):

"was going to find Tucker filming himself masturbating with an 8 mm camera in a dark apartment."

Kind of like the time he promised to show me and Hate a naked picture of a hot girl he was fucking and the picture turned out to be a picture of his penis resting near to what may or may not have been a female's thigh. And then Tucker insisted his penis was only in the shot for "perspective" and not as some trial balloon he was floating to see how interested I or Hate may have been in his penis.

Actually reading Tucker's post I think he changed the start of the last paragraph from "Actually," (real thoughts about the movie) to "For real though," (real thoughts). That's awesome work Tucker. For real though, I sound like I watch The Hills now. Why didn't you add "I liked it fo' sho" at the end of the paragraph too you douche bag.

I saw that Jesse wrote this at the end of his little screed: "By the way, it was truly a pleasure to meet you, man..."

I knew it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

We're going to best friends, forever and ever ... bee dee beep bah dah dooooooooo, I hope you feel the same way too. Hee hee. You make me feel like singing, BFF Jesse. When you wrap I have some great ideas to run by you. I think we should have a show on the Food Network where we travel around the U.S. and stay in a hotel room with one bed and go town to town tasting new foods. We could call ourselves the Foodie Blues. Get it - like the Moody Blues (best band ever). Of course you get it. Gosh, we're so much alike. Kind of like when you were doing character research and you said "What irritates you most about women?" and I said "When they try to escape from my basement." Underneath that mask of revulsion I could tell you understood. ;/\ )

I'm tempted to get a Facebook account, or at least a legit one where I'm not posing as a 14 year old Fillipino girl, so that you can be my bestest and only friend on it.

As soon as they upload the digital stills from the set I'm going to start a scrapbook of the times we shared. I'll title it either "Me and Jesse" or "You better start returning my phone calls or your Agent is going to have real hard time locating you if you catch my drift."

Here is Fake SlingBlade's response:

OOOHHH look at me!!

I'm the "real" SlingBlade!! (Insert horrifically offensive/misanthropic epithet here)

OHHH everybody loves me!!!

WAAAH I didn't think Jesse Bradford was going to pull this off, but now that I see that he, too, can be a maladjusted train-wreck I believe in him!!! WAAAAH!!!

Couple things:

1. I don't have a Facebook. Or a Myspace. The only time you'll see me on those social-retard networking sites is when some even greater social-retard (i believe Nietzsche called them the Uber-soc-tard) makes a page PRETENDING to be me. So beware: if you attempt to communicate with me through this means, it may in fact be a 14 year old Filipino girl...... cause that's how I roll. (On that note: I am now contemplating starting up a Myspace AND a Facebook as YOU. I have trouble attracting lonely, social rejects, who spend all day eating McGriddles in front of their computer, and this action on my part would surely help fill that void in my soul.)

2. Did I not offer to help you retrieve those errant basement escapees!? Not to mention; ix-nay on the asement-bay ungeon-day oject-pray!!!!! Jeeeeez...... apparently no good deed goes unpunished.....

3. The food show idea sounds good. I'm going to steal it and do it with Mario Lopez. We've been looking for a project to do together. But if he falls through, or his schedule doesn't permit, I'll come back to you. After I've already tried Verne Troyer, Kirk Cameron, The Smothers Brothers, The Miz from Real World, Shane West, Shaka Kahn, Emo Phillips, Simon Rex, Carney Wilson, the Monkey from Friends, and Jan Michael Vincent's corpse......... is he dead? Doesn't matter.....

Love, your new BFF,

Jesse


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Posted by Tucker Max at 8:25 AM