-What stories in the book are new?
Of the 27 stories, 12 are completely brand new, never published anywhere before. Of these, by my personal estimation I would rank four of them as in the top ten stories I have ever written. These are the new ones, with asterisks by my favorites:
Everyone has "that" friend*
Quite the vacation
Tucker goes to Vegas*
Floss
The Foxfield Weekend*
My Key West Trip
This'll just hurt a little
She won't take no for an answer
The Sex Stories
The Dog Vomit Story
The Midland, Texas Story
The Worst Tucker Story Ever*
-What is your job? Do you actually work as a lawyer?
You see those ads to the top and right? Do you think that I just put those up for free? I get paid a pretty good amount for them. I work full time on this site and assorted other things, including some TV and movie projects, FesteringAss.com, and a few other projects I have not disclosed yet. And of course I don't work as a lawyer, I don't hate myself.
-Is "Tucker Max" your real name?
Yes. I'm surprised you haven't heard of me. I'm an internet legend.
-Are all these stories true?
Yes, they are all true. I do not write fiction, and I do not make anything up. Good or bad, this is my life.
-Did you write all these stories yourself?
I can even go potty myself!! Yes, unless it is specifically attributed to someone else, I wrote it myself. I mean honestly, how could I have plagiarized a website about myself? Who the hell would write it? But like all writers, I do not work in a vacuum. I got editing help from my friends DrunkRex, The Bunny, and a few others who understandably do not want to be publicly associated with me.
-Fine, you wrote the stories yourself, but are they 100% accurate? They seem a bit far-fetched.
I mean honestly, how the fuck could I make this shit up? Most of my stories have many eye-witnesses, in the form of my friends, bystanders, and in some cases the victims of our actions. Furthermore, my ability to write fiction sucks. I am terrible at making shit up because that necessitates empathy, something I am quite lacking. Third, I had an ex-girlfriend FUCKING SUE ME OVER A STORY! You know why? Because I called her out on who she really is. She didn't even sue me for defamation or libel, instead trying to win on other grounds. You know why? BECAUSE EVERY FUCKING WORD OF THE STORY WAS TRUE.
I will say this: These are stories, not the Warren Commission Report, and thus they are not supposed to be forensically accurate accounts. Every single story is as completely true and accurate as I remember it, but in some stories, such as the Absinthe Donuts Story, I have slightly altered timelines or small details so as to avoid jail time or make the narrative flow better, but still: all the seminal facts of the stories are true.
-Are you really like this? Are your stories representative of who you really are?
Oh no, in real life I'm kind and compassionate, I just enjoy broadcasting myself to the world as an insensitive prick. Are you kidding? What do you think? My life has been one big exercise in inexcusable behavior and unforgivable sins. The simple reality is that even though I'm brilliant and charismatic, I am also young and immature, and am only just beginning to develop enough maturity to empathize with the emotions of others, a necessary predicate to compassionate behavior and moral action, something I know little about. One time after I had done something horrible, and didn't even really realize what I had done, my then girlfriend said to me, "Tucker, you'll be great when you're 30." I got mad at first, but then I realized she was absolutely correct; I may be awesome, but I had a lot of maturing to do. Of course, I still dumped her immediately. Who is she to talk to me like that?
Another thing you have to remember is that this is only a slice of my life. There is much more to me than my stories, but I don't write much about that because I write these to entertain through my stories, not to talk about my life. There is a difference.
-How did your website come about?
The page originally started as the The Tucker Max Date Application Page, which has it's genesis in a bet. From there, I started posting the funny emails I would send to my friends, and those became the Tucker Max Stories. For instance, The Sushi Pants Story is almost verbatim out of an email I once sent to my law school friends about a particularly drunken night out.
-Are you single?
Of course I am single. Who the fuck would want to date me? Oh wait, that's right, all those crazy and insecure girls who email me. Sounds great!
-Where do you live?
New York City. Flatiron, to be precise.
-How do you continually get into the ridiculous situations that you seem to always be getting into?
That's actually a good question, one that I've often asked myself. I've been involved in some fucked up stuff, haven't I? And I haven't even put the really fucked up stuff on this site, like the trip I took to Barcelona with a girl I barely knew, the story of "My Cancer," a girl who moved in with me and refused to leave, etc, etc. I guess its the fact that I get sinfully drunk at inappropriate times, have no regard for the law, no respect for authority, regularly ignore the consequences of my actions, demand that the spotlight of attention be on me at all times, operate outside the bounds of all social norms, and generally just act like an officious, raging asshole. Put that on your resume and then see if you don't get into some predicaments. And let's be honest--I kinda like getting into fucked up situations, and seeing what happens. Like my friend JoJo says, "at this point in our life, it's all about the story."
But the thing is, if you are a relatively normal, fun person who likes to go out and drink and have fun, I am sure you have at least some stories that can match or come close to mine. I am funny and all, but I am not incredibly unique in the fact that I like to drink and act like an idiot.
-How do you do all this shit and not get into fights?
Who says I don't get into fights? Read the Night We Almost Died story. But this is still a legitimate question, as I really do not get into as many fights as one might think I would, especially given my incredibly obnoxious comments. There are many ways I avoid conflict, e.g. I usually going out with several friends, I usually try and avoid calling out people who look like they have a penchant for violence, I hang out in young professional bars where no one ever fights, etc. Though these are important, none is more important than my attitude. I am not quite sure how to explain this, but the way I act rarely leads to physical confrontations. I have that attitude, that aura about me that people just don't get violent with me. I'm not going to say that they're scared, I think they are more in shock than anything else. When someone steps so far outside the normal social bounds, people often don't know how to react to them. That's usually the case with me. But of course, when I cross the line and get backed into a corner by someone large and angry, I often rely on the old stalwart: running like a bitch.
-How do you remember all the ridiculous stuff that happens to you when you are out drinking?
I have a voice recorder, and I use it liberally when I am out drinking. I am constantly talking into it, recording the funny things I do or say, so that I can write about them later.
-From your site, it seems like you do nothing but get drunk and then act like a pompous jerk. Can you really be this much of an asshole?
Who are you, my mother? Can you not read between the lines? Do you know what a "caricature" is? The "excessive drinking" and "asshole behavior" I portray on this site does have a firm basis in reality, but I also play it up here on purpose. How funny would this site be if I tried to be introspective and meaningful? Not very. And how much of this site would you read if it weren't funny? Not much. If I were the complete alcoholic jerk-off I make myself out to be, I'd probably be a better writer, and I definitely wouldn't make so many jokes about my alleged "problems." Sometimes the most telling information comes from what's not said. I think it was Emerson who wrote something like, "The louder he proclaimed his honor, the faster we counted the spoons." Do I need to draw you a map from there?
-I am a girl, totally fucked up, and thus find you irresistibly attractive. Can I hang out with you/have sex with you?
Maybe, fill out the application. I'll need at least 2 pictures (send as email attachments in JPEG or GIF format). If you pass the "Wow" test, and your references check out, then I'll probably meet you. Either that, or just promise me free booze.
-If I send you a pic of me, are you going to post it and make fun of me?
Do you see any part of this page where I have posted pics of girls? Why do you think you would different? I DO NOT post pics that girls send me for one simple reason: I want girls to keep sending me pics. If I posted the pics I was sent, I doubt I would get anymore, so it is most decidedly in my self-interest to not post them.
-Are those really your ex-girlfriends in the pictures?
Yes. I may be a lot of things, but a liar is not one of them. Exaggerator, perhaps, but not a liar. My friends can confirm that I have in fact dated each and every one of those girls. Actually, those are just the ones I happen to have pictures of. There have been others, some even hotter than those--and some not so hot. I'll be honest: I've hooked up with some sea-donkeys in my day. My bottom 10% could have their own display cases at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not museum. Welcome to the dark side of alcohol--I know it all too well.
-How do you get girls that hot?
Do you know any women? Have you ever hung out with them? Believe it or not, being an arrogant, obnoxious alpha male has it's privileges. Of course, it also helps when you're funny. And not to be self-promoting, but I did write a book on the subject.
-Why do some of the ex-girlfriend pictures look like modeling pictures?
Guess what, asshole--it's because some of them are models, and those are their best pictures. Why would I put up some grainy, shit-ass picture when I have something good to put up?
-Why is it that all your ex-girlfriends are the same, i.e. tall, hot blondes with no self-esteem?
Have you ever heard of a fetish? No, seriously, I don't think I have a type; I just happen to have ended up with girls that all look alike. Latin/Hispanic girls turn me on more than any other type, I just haven't happened to date many of them, and the ones I have dated I don't have pictures of them. For instance, I think the two hottest women in Hollywood are Penelope Cruz and Vanessa Marcil. But neither of them will talk to me. You see my problem. Although, Vanessa Marcil married Corey fucking Feldman, so obviously her standards are not that high.
-Are looks all you care about?
If you asked this question, it probably means that you are ugly. Please leave. Seriously though, looks are only important to a point; if a girl is attractive, then looks no longer matter, it's all about her personality, intelligence, etc from that point forward.
-What type of women are you into? It seems like you only date dumb girls and psycho's.
It seems like this because I don't write about the normal girls I date. The point of my stories is to write about the weird, incredible and funny things that happen to me; it is not to ramble on endlessly about everything in my life. I have dated plenty of great girls in my life and had many good relationships, but those aren't interesting. I don't like dumb and/or crazy women, I just happen to hook-up with them sometimes. Given my choice, I will pick an intelligent, emotionally mature woman every day of the week.
-Do you find me attractive?
Probably not. Most people are nowhere near as good looking as they think they are. (A side note--Please don't email me telling me how hot you are, and how great your tits look, if in fact, this is not true. You don't have to be hot to email me, but you do have to be honest with yourself. I will ask for pictures, and if they do not confirm this fact, then I will call you out on it.)
-What do you do all day?
Is this site not enough? I am a writer, and I am currently doing several projects related to this page. My job is to create great art. If by "art" I mean "the shit that I write." As for what I do all day, I work on that, my website, answer email, and lounge around like a lazy fucking blob of shit.
-If you aren't working as a lawyer, why did you get your JD?
I made a fucking mistake going to law school, OK, get off my back. There was a time in my life that I thought I wanted to be a lawyer, but I was terribly mistaken. I didn't know that you had to give up your soul to work in that field.
-Should I get my JD? What is your advice for someone thinking about going into law school?
Do you want to waste three years of your life debating stupid and utterly irrelevant minutia? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to get a degree that allows you work the rest of your life in a tedious, shitty, unrewarding job? Then yes, get your JD. Are you a boring, facile, socially retarded whore, desperate for the illusion of money and success, regardless of the cost to your life and the lives of those you love? Then yes, get your JD. Do you want to squander your existence sitting in a lifeless office, churning out ultimately meaningless paperwork? Then yes, get your JD. Listen to me people: There is a reason that lawyers have the LOWEST job satisfaction of any profession in America. THE JOB SUCKS. It is horrible. If you know any lawyers, ask yourself: Are they happy with their job or their life? 90% of the time, the answer will be no. If the answer to that question is yes, then ask yourself, "Do I like that person." The answer will be almost always be no. The only lawyers who like their jobs are the sketchy ones that are the reason lawyers jokes are so prevalent and popular. Do you want to be that person? If so, then yes, get your fucking JD.
-Don't you think your page is very sexist/anti-women/misogynistic?
I've only gotten this question a few times, but it always confuses me. For fucks sake, I originally put up a page dedicated to getting a date; how is that sexist? How in hell does that imply I hate women? I hate a lot of things, (stupid people and Duke basketball, for instance) but nowhere on that list is women. I LOVE women. Now, do I treat women like shit? Yes, sometimes, but I treat EVERYONE like shit, not just women. Sexism is treating one sex differently from the other(s). I treat men and women equally: just like shit.
Don't misunderstand, there are times when women just annoy the shit out of me. Of course, I am sure I annoy them also. It's part of the curse of having a high sexual dimorphism within a species: the differences cause friction. And let me be clear about this: I do not believe that women's studies is a legitimate academic discipline. Of course, I don't think many of the majors available are legitimate academic disciplines (see e.g. "Marxist studies," or "Recreation."). And I obviously believe that there are natural, inherent differences between the sexes, differences that go beyond the purely reproductive, and that examination of those differences is fertile ground for humor. If you are one of those who reject the idea of inborn differences between the sexes and claim that all differences are socially constructed, I can offer you nothing but a biology primer and my sympathies, because you are stupid.
-You claim you are such a good writer, and your stuff is pretty funny, but why do you keep switching tenses in your stories? It drives me nuts.
I know, I know. The whole concept of tense in speech has always given me problems. In undergrad and law school, I never really took any creative writing or English courses; it was pretty much all econ, law, history, etc, so some of the basic things that most writers get right, I fail. Of course I could learn tenses, but I have never really made an effort to get it right for a reason: I want to write in my own voice, regardless of whether or not it is "correct" grammar or not. By switching tenses, I write the way I speak, and by alternating between past and present I put the reader into the story, instead of just recounting it.
-Are you a player?
I am most decidedly NOT a player. A player is a guy whose only goal is to sleep with women for no other reason than sex, AND he will do anything to get laid, including lying, cheating, stealing, etc. Yes, I want to have sex with women I like and find attractive, but I don't lie to do it (at least not anymore). I usually begin conversations with women by telling them that I am an asshole and a bad person, and that they would probably be better off not talking to me. I am nothing if not honest. Even a cursory reading of this site will tell you this.
-Are you always "on"?
For some reason, people think that because almost every inch of this page is funny, I am funny all the time. You wanna know what? It's much easier to be funny when you have time to rehearse. So to answer your question, no, I am not always "on." If you ever meet me, and expect me to be "on" all the time, you will be sorely disappointed. Although it is an almost certainty that I'm funnier than you are, and I am a lot of fun to go out drinking with, that's for damn sure. You pump some liquor in me and give me an audience, and you will get a show.
-How many girls have you slept with?
Right, like I'm going to answer this. No way. Nothing good has ever come from me truthfully answering this question.
-How big is your member/penis/cock/dick?
Not big enough to brag about.
-Have you named your member/penis/cock/dick?
Yes. And there is no way I am telling you his name, unless you are a hot female, and you want to get to know him better. In that case, I'll tell you anything you want to hear, including how much I love you, how you are different than all the other girls, and how we will be together forever, etc.
-What is in the Tucker Max Death Mix and in what portions?
I used to get this question at least 3-4 times a week. It's exactly like I say in The UT Weekend story: 1 can of Red Bull, 1 quart of Gatorade (there is no other flavor besides lemon-lime), and 1 pint of Everclear. I think. I don't fucking remember--why don't you dorks just go out and make your own to your liking instead of worrying about following directions. It's fucking alcohol and mixers for chrissake, how could you screw it up?
-Were you in a fraternity in college, and if so, which fraternity were you in?
I went to the University of Chicago. The fraternities were, to put it kindly, a fucking joke. I still went to their parties, but I wasn't about to pay money to hang out with them in my free time. Had I gone somewhere like UVa or UT-Austin, I probably would have joined a frat.
-Hey Tucker, I am moving to Chicago/New York/[insert city here] and want to know what bars you recommend. Will you give me a breakdown of the hot spots to go?
Why do people constantly email me with these questions, like I am some sort of fucking tour guide? I like the places I go drinking PRECISELY because there aren't many tools there. I am not going to tell the world and fuck them up.
-Where can I get a copy of the Sex2K documentary that MTV did about you?
You can't, and please stop asking. I have a copy of it, and I may put it on my site in the future if I feel like it, but right now it would require more bandwidth than I can afford.
-Are you an alcoholic?
Alcoholism is highly underrated.
-Hey jerk, you didn't answer my question. What do I do now?
Why don't you go outside and play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself? Or you could email me at tuckermax@gmail.com. Whichever better suits your needs.
-Why are you like this, i.e. so arrogant/cocky/egotistical?
When you are great, people often mistake candor for arrogance.
-Don't you realize that such brash arrogance is a put-off?
What do you want from me, blood? Of course I realize that, but what am I supposed to do? You can't get mad at a dog for barking and sniffing asses; it's just being a dog, and that's what dogs do. My entire being is defined by my supreme egotism. It's who I am. I didn't pick my temperament; I've been way this since I could talk. From the time I was 2 until I was 5, I talked about myself exclusively in the third person, "Tucker wants cereal for breakfast," "Tucker made a poopy all by himself," etc.
Any other personal info about Tucker Max you could want is here
Posted by at 11:42 AM