I am not putting my picture on this blog entry--god forbid someone mistakenly thinks I wrote the abortion you are about to read.
This is a real email (he sent to me via email, MySpace, Facebook, and posted on the message board). Not only could I not make this up, I don't think I even have the stamina to type this much. Kudos if you make it all the way through this thing. I stopped at the line I quoted in the title of this blog post:
"Dear Tucker Max,
PS→Sorry for the long ass plea but I felt it was necessary to get the job done. You're going to want to read the whole thing, cause it builds up to a pretty good climax.
Judging from your blog I know for a fact that you do not a big Hollywood guy whose ego is coming out of his ass playing you because you want this movie to be great because you know it can be and you know that this isn't possible with some huge movie star who is more concerned with his rank in Holly wood then with the success of the film. This movie has the potential to be great but only if the castings are perfect, if they aren't then they could butcher the whole reputation of not only the movie itself but the whole Tucker Max franchise including the book. This would be a huge tragedy as the reputation of the book is currently legendary. This movie has the potential to be a movie that defines a generation a la 'animal house'. This is where I come into the equation. I feel that I am the perfect candidate to be cast as yourself in the movie because I believe that I am on par with what it actually means to be Tucker Max. I live out the same dream as you. We think alike. I feel like an actor cannot just pull a great performance out of their ass, a stellar performance requires that the actor must actually have real life stories that relate to the character that is going to be portrayed. Meaning essentially that is unrealistic to think that an actor can be good enough to 'act' as Tucker Max. The only way that this will be believable to an audience is to choose someone that has stories that are on the exact same level as those in your book. I am not trying to sound arrogant when I make this statement or are trying to challenge you in any way to some sort of competition but I think that I have stories that are also above the 'shit-house' level drunkenness that fall in the glorious section of Tucker Max Drunk stories. I feel that these real life experiences make the perfect candidate to play you on film.
See I am one of those guys who does not understand what drinking casually is. I don't know what it is because I have never done it. When I drink, I drink to get really fucked up. No other thing. It is just something that is a part of being, it is in my blood, you could say that it is my only vice in life. Because of this tendency I too seem to get myself in many situations that we consider to be hilarious but other people who are narrower minded might see as idiotic situations. The fact that I too live this type of lifestyle and it is a part of me makes me confident that I could best portray this realistically on film. I am not gonna lie to at all, you have never heard of me before because I am probably the unknown actor in the world at this point and this is not even an understatement. I don't even think that I can be considered an actor right now, because I am not a working actor I am actually still a student but I am graduating in June, but acting is still something that I know will become a reality in the near future. See I have only very small roles in some student films and a scene in a low budget film. The story of this movie must be told to you because I feel that it is in essence what makes me perfect for the role of Tucker Max.
So I was living in LA in the summer of 2006 pursuing my dream of becoming an actor. I literally packed up my bags in Toronto, Canada, got my parents to buy me a shitbox car from Florida and then drive that thing across the whole god damn continent to LA. I told my parents that it would only be for the summer, but in my mind I was hoping that it was going to be forever because I was going to make it. I was extremely naïve at the time. When I finally got to LA reality set in. Becoming an actor in this town is almost impossible because the whole fuckin town is full of them. If you're not careful enough in this town you're gonna end up some washed up actor in their 40's having accomplished absolutely nothing in their lives but still holding on to this pipedream. I did not want this to happen to me but starting out in LA is nearly impossible. I already had some things going for me. I had a step sister living in LA living with her fiancé (sad to say that he is one of the washed up 40 year actors in LA, but I love the guy anyways because he is just so fuckin funny because he has absolutely no sensor on him. He says the most inappropriate things at all the most inappropriate times). He as a side job was a personal trainer at 24 Hour fitness in Sherman Oaks mall, that he got as a result of being a contestant on the reality show the biggest loser. Long story short one of his clients was the wife on a man who owned his own talent agency in LA and he hooked me up with him. I went in and met the guy and told him everything. After debating he let me in to his agency even knowing that I had no prior experience acting. He didn't even make me perform a monologue for him because I did not have one prepared. He let me join simply because of the fact that I came in and met him and convinced him to sign me. The act alone is what got me the deal. I guess I do possess some great manipulative skills and have a little bit too much confidence in myself.
Not to ruin this warm and fuzzy feel good kind of story I soon found out that Agents don't do shit for you if you're a nobody in this town (I am not gonna name the name of the agency or the owner of the agency because I am probably going to go back to the agency when I move back to LA in the summer. I am so low, but this actually a very smart move because any agent is better than no agent). So I decided to take things into my own hands kind of like I am doing right now. I started sending out my pictures for every role out there on the Internet on LA casting and casting networks even if I didn't fit the physical features of the character they were looking for. I probably pissed off a whole lot of casting directors in the process but I didn't give a shit because in my mind at least I was getting my name out there, even though it was for bad reasons. In my mind any exposure, is good exposure. In the process of doing this I was actually contacted back for a part. I didn't even have to friggin audition (I should have known right from the start that the whole situation was a bit shady). Surprised to actually get a call back from my agent I was happy to learn that they wanted me to come in because of 'my hair'. I guess they found it intriguing. Not to sound arrogant again but I do consider myself to be a pretty good looking guy, and this is good because I know that you're looking for a stud to play you because you wrote it in your blog. So my useless agent gave me the info of when and where to go. I was pretty giddy about the whole thing because he said that this could be a big opportunity for me making it sound as if the part was a stepping-stone or something. It was supposed to give me my first SAG voucher. I knew nothing about the whole acting in Hollywood thing at the time about SAG vouchers and all that but it sounded good so I was pleased with myself at the time. Just in case you are wondering I am still not a SAG actor as this is still the only SAG voucher I have earned. Kinda sad. Anyways the part that I got in the movie was supposed to be very similar a scene with Dustin Hoffman from the graduate. I lied and would be lying to you right now if I told you that I knew what scene that was. I never really looked into it, but I made it sound as if I knew exactly which scene it was to my agent. I guess this reveals another little bit of my personality. Probably considered to be a flaw that I like to make it look like I know things when I really have absolutely no clue. I call it 'true acting' but others call it the art of bullshitting. I guess I can be considered a pro at it because people actually believe me though.
Anyways I get to the movie set not knowing anything, as this was the first professional movie set I had ever been on. I get there all nervous and am greeted by so many people that I can't even remember their names. Not that I am any good with names anyways as whenever I introduce myself to people I never really listen to what their name is back. Another bad habit of mine and probably the real reason why I can't make any head way in this town. The casting director makes the remark, "so this is our Dustin Hoffman" and I reply that "that would be me" all confident even though I have no clue what the hell they are talking about. Then they comment about my hair and state that this is the only reason I am here. This of course makes me feel really good about myself because the only reason that I am here is because of my fucking hair and not something relevant like my personality or anything like that. Yah casting director are real asses too because they people like pieces of meat. They just chew them up and spit them out though, kind of like Hollywood itself. The casting director gives me my own trailer to chill in. I am thinking to myself that this is something that I could get used to. So I am sitting there not knowing what to do and the assistant director comes knocking and lets me know that I have to go to hair and makeup. This is also new to me. So I walk down past about 10 trailers and enter into another big ass trailer and sit down while they fix me all up. The makeup artist calls me in and calls me out "saying this is your first time isn't it?". This made me feel like completely shit because I was sitting in a chair next to some actress who was apparently somebody big. She made it look as if she was God's fucking gift to the earth, just being a total bitch to everyone working on her. So the look she gave me when the makeup artist said this to me made me want to slit my wrists and kill myself because she was so fucking hot. The thing was though that she knew she was hot and that was why she was treating everyone like shit was because she knew she could get away with it because of her looks. Real beauties can get away with murder in this town, that is how artificial this city and this industry is.
After my debacle in the makeup trailer which I now look back on as being pretty hilarious because I do not really care what the fuck other fake idiots think of me anymore, they hauled me off to the set. I didn't go through wardrobe or anything like that they just made me wear my own clothes. Had I known anything about the industry I should have taken this as another sign for things to come, but yet again I had no clue. So I get up to the set and wait around for a couple hours, I would have brought a book or something to read had I known I would be waiting around. I guess those 'how to become actors' self help books forget to tell people about this, something they should look in to. So I sit there and just observe the intricacies of a real movie set. I just watch and learn. To me it is all new. The set looked legit, it was set in a mansion right in the middle of LA. I had never been in a house like this in my entire life but I was gonna get my chance in just a short couple hours. I recognize some of the actors starring in the movie and it gets me all excited/nervous. Finally they call my scene. They actually call it out and I don't realize that it is my scene because I am so new to everything that they actually go looking for me. When I realize they are looking for me it makes me look like a complete idiot. Anyways they take me in the house, along with this attractive older woman. My guess was that she was about mid 40's at the time. They take us into the dining room. The director comes in and starts explaining the scene to us. Turns out that in the scene I am gonna have to be making out with the cougars' inner thigh, insinuating that I am eventually gonna move in for the kill on the snatch even though they were actually not gonna show this because the movie was a comedy and not a porn. In my innocent mind though this scene was soft core porn. The thoughts that were racing through my mind at the time were: how the fuck did my idiot of an agent not mention to me that it was going to be semi-sex scene on a dining room table and what are my grandparents gonna say to me when they see my debut in film (I come from a really religious family. Yah I know it doesn't really sound like it though). If you're gonna want the name of the movie though to IMDB you're gonna have to message me back.
So we do a run through of the scene before actually filming it. And I am just going at this lady's inner thigh while she is just moaning and the whole situation is awkward as fuck as there are about 10 people watching me do this. I just close my eyes and go nuts. The director tells me that was perfect and he wants me to do exactly that when we actually film it. So he goes and grabs his camera. He comes back and puts us into final position and then says that he thinks the scene would be better if my pants were half off, showing my ass. At this point I lose it, I cannot believe what is being asked of me and I blurt something out that I am not comfortable doing that. I guess I do have a bit of backbone in me, but it shocks the director as he thought I would just give in to his manipulation and it kinda of shocks me too with me being a movie set virgin. Now that I think about it is actually kind of impressive that I had the balls to say something. Anyways my plight changes the director's mind and he lets me keep my pants on and we start filming. So once again I am forced to go nuts on the hot mom's leg. Apparently the shoot goes perfect as we only had to do one cut. The whole thing took only a short number of seconds. As I walk out of the set people are patting me on the back telling me how good I did. All I could do though was equate myself to being a cheap whore as I knew I wasn't getting paid much for this gig. In the back round as I walked away I could hear the cougar actress raising her voice to the director saying "Was he green?? Was that kid fucking green?" Not knowing what this meant at the time it just flew over my head. Only now do I realize that maybe the lady had stood up for me and taken offense to nobody letting me know what they role actually entailed for me before I got to the fucking set. If I ever meet that cougar again today I would genuinely thank her for that.
Anyways the night didn't get any better (It was an all night shoot) and immediately after my scene everyone decided to take dinner. This was bad for me because nobody could drive me back to the where the trailers were located so I could get the fuck out of there (It was about a 10 minute drive) and I was gonna have to sit through a really awkward dinner. I go over to check out what was there for us to eat not knowing what the food was going to be like. I was surprised when I got there because the whole thing was catered and it turned out being some of the best food I ever had. Apparently professional movie sets were known for great food, another thing that nobody had let me in on. After pilling up my plate with a gourmet steak and some baked potatoes I look around for a seat. There are not many open seats and they are all at tables with pompous people that I don't really feel like sitting with. Then I spot a seat directly across from the 'cougar lady'. I decide that she is the only person that I really know here so I go and grab it. We dine together and chat about all sorts of inappropriate things including what just happened set. This is where the story will conveniently end and I will let your Tucker Max imagination run wild with how the rest of the night played out. It is safe to say though that my acting debut was a legendary one.
I am not a professional actor but I want to be one. After that summer I moved home back to Toronto because I decided that it would probably be good to have a degree in something before embarking on becoming an actor because the entertainment business is so shady and unpredictable. I needed something to fall back on. I learned this because I pretty much only worked on about 5 films in small shitty roles, none of them being speaking parts let me add. Right now I literally just wrote my last exam of University and are planning on moving back to late this summer. The thing is it will be too late to have a shot to be in your movie and this is definitely something that I do not want to miss out on. I am currently not with any agency because I am still in Toronto but I plan on going back to the same agency when I get to LA. So I guess the only way I can advertise myself to you is through Facebook. I mean who doesn't have facebook these days anyways. If you think I am worthy of an audition you can add me. I am just asking for you to give me a shot and I promise you will not be disappointed. I am your man for the job, I have a Tucker Max mentality running through me that no actor, I don't care how famous they are, has."
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